Ironically I had this post written out in my head one night as I lay in bed trying to sleep. Now that I am wanting to put it down on paper so to speak I have lost it all, or at least much of it.
It still feels surreal to me, a world without my dad's presence in it. More so for my mom I know. I can come home to my husband and family; to a house where memories of my dad aren't in every corner. My parents would have been married 58 years this September. They have been together for 60. My mother started dating my dad when she was 16 and never looked back. The largest chunk of her life has been intertwined with his. Her's is a tougher row to hoe. That being said, she is the toughest woman I know.
I have to give praise where praise is due. Through out this whole situation, God's hand was apparent. There was not a time when we felt abandoned. Prayers were answered many times prior to or as they were being spoken. In addition, we could see the pieces put in place by him months and even years before to prepare us and walk us through everything. My mom put it best when she said "it is as if God is saying ""this is going to happen, but I've got you"". We had to chuckle when my mom told her pastor that she knew God would hold her up but she worried about her kids. To which I replied that God may love her best, but he loved us too. We all laughed. Friends and neighbors came out of the wood work to help in any way they could from playing dulcimers for my dad's visitation and funeral, serving the dinner after the funeral, providing food for the dinner, and anything else we needed.
When my dad left this life to start another life anew, certain things ended for us here. Not a permanent ending, maybe a better term would be "paused". Some things are on hold for us here until the time comes that we see him again. We will see him again. No doubt. While we wait our lives change some. Routines are shaken up as accommodations are made. But this is not just a post about endings. As a family we have many more memories to make in the future. My sister, her kids, and myself have taken up Dulcimer playing again. My husband has taken dulcimer playing up for the first time.
I wondered if I should keep this blog going after he passed. My dad was two of my twelve followers. He really liked the blog I guess. But now he isn't here to read about all my craziness. I still believe he sees it now without my typing it. I've had some people tell me I should keep it going. So I will. I put off the garden while I was away, but because of my Dh and my neighbor, it was kept picked and maintained. Thanks to them. I came home not really in a garden mood. I'm still picking from it and will be processing stuff as well, but my focus has changed now to my house. Getting it in order. Don't know why that is except my mom has a fabulous house and mine pales in comparison. I will have another garden next year. We have already canned up the green beans,picked the blueberries and blackberries, and I got just enough peaches for 1 batch of peach butter. The lima beans will be harvested when the plants die back in the fall. I'm picking the tomatoes, cooking them and freezing them until the weather cools off and I can make sauce. So the garden isn't a total loss, just not my focus right now.
Aside from losing my dad, I wouldn't change one thing. I was there when he died as were my mom and my siblings. He died peacefully at home, not in an emergency room surrounded by unfamiliar faces. There were lots of "I love you's" passed from us to our dad, from Daddy to us, from Mama to Daddy, from Mama to us, and from sibling to sibling. There were remembrances that helped heal both before he passed and after. Hugs, hand holds, a touch. We held each other up. I wouldn't trade it for the world.